How Trump Grabbed America By the Pussy: The Loss of the Evangelical Movement’s Virginity

Donald J. Trump has just committed the greatest political heist in modern history. He has single handedly destroyed the Republican National Committee.

But he did not stop there.

In a totally surprising move last night—November 8th 2016—Trump additionally annihilated the Democratic National Committee. (The Democrats’ hopes for a Clinton presidency were bamboozled out of existence right before their eyes.)

And yet, that wasn’t enough for Trojan Horse Trump: he licked the asshole right off the Christian evangelical right, forever stunting whatever shit we may have expected to come forth from their backward water churches. In essence, stealing the right’s virginity.

“Wait a second,” my fellow evangelicals may state in utter dismay. “What are you talking about? Trump is our guy! Look here now, he was endorsed by our systematic theologian, Wayne Grudem. And Eric Metaxas. And John MacArthur. And James Dobson. And…”

“Yeah, yeah. I know. It sucks to be you. Your trumped up Messiah is just another politician—oh the irony!—catering to your bigoted needs.”

Maybe what goes around comes around? Have any of you thought about that? The evangelical right has been an ass to many different people and ideas—from its persecution of gays to its inarticulate views on abortion, amongst many others. While Trump has claimed to be no sugar-coated, dyed-in-the-wool politician, he has, in every essence, embraced their actions and habits already.

Let that sink in.

Within twenty-four hours of winning the election, Trump has removed his so-called “ban on Muslims” from his website. Yup. It’s gone. Nada. Nothing there. Just another smoke-and-mirrors magician performing his magico-political act.

Whoops. There go his statements. Just magically vaporized right before your bigoted eyes.

Sorry—and I thought that Trump was the bigot here. Maybe not. Maybe Trump was just pulling your legs, you bigots, you!

And then there was the whole “I can’t vote for Clinton because she believes in late-term abortions.” Oh, really? Like, do you even know that late-term abortions are restricted in many states? And, if we are going to be completely honest, statistically speaking, “only 1.3% of abortions in the United States occur at 21 weeks of pregnancy or later,” writes The New York Times. But facts are none of my business.

Oh, and while we’re at it, it’s not like Trump is pro-life. (I bet you didn’t see that coming.) Contrary to popular opinion, Trump has not included a pro-life position on his website. In fact, he seems to never have had included it.

It’s only been twenty-four hours since the election and Trump is already a well-groomed politician, telling people what they want to hear, tickling their ears to orgasm. The evangelicals—like silly, little virgin girls asking to be caressed in inappropriate places—got (and will continue to get) what they deserve: a fucking rape-job by none other than Trump himself, grabbing them by the pussy.

The joke has been on you, Christians.

Pull your heads out of your asses and start thinking. Please. For Christ’s sake—and I’m not invoking the Lord’s name in vain here—start being reasonable!

This guy, this pimp you have acquired as your “savior,” married, for all practical purposes, a porn star. Doesn’t that mean something to you? I thought you were all over that “purity culture” shit? What happened? Michelle Obama’s bare arms not bare enough for you? Seriously.

Wake the fuck up.

At this point, allow me to be a self-righteous fool on behalf of you (Paul did this in Second [not Two] Corinthians 10-13): you guys (and gals) have really lost your cookies this time. I’m telling it like it is. You have lost your cookies, and I’m not sure you’ll ever get them back.

Trump has out-Trojaned all of you. If voting for Clinton was immoral, then voting for Trump was truly post-lapsarian. (If you don’t know that theological word, go back to seminary—or ask your pastor.) Trump just did you over like a cheap prostitute. Hell, you didn’t even make him wear a condom—for all we know, you, the evangelical right, may now be carrying his baby.

Whatever promises your “new Jesus” has made you, they are as wishful as your bigoted wish to have a Muslim ban enforced in this country. (Personally, I don’t care about Islam. But I’m not one to tell people whom they can and cannot worship.)

As a matter of fact, Trump was never yours to begin with. He was always a heretic, an outcast, so to speak. He donated $100,000 to the Clinton Foundation. He supported Clinton during her campaigns. All things considered, Trump is a democrat. A liberal one at that.

Having said that, I’m not exactly sure what the real problem is (or was): did you all just not like Clinton for being a woman or…? Seriously. Cough it up. It’s pretty obvious to me that he was never a Republican. He was never pro-life. He was never pro-traditional marriage. He was never pro-no-sex-with-porn-stars. He was never pro-you-name-it. I’m not even sure he was pro-anything (in your world).

Finally, I would like to congratulate you on voting into office a relatively liberal person. If I am correct—which I think I am—it seems to me that you, the evangelical right, have just been punked.

It is no secret that, for years, evangelical America has been waiting for someone to come along and grab it/her “by the pussy.” Well, you’ve been grabbed.

 

9 thoughts on “How Trump Grabbed America By the Pussy: The Loss of the Evangelical Movement’s Virginity

  1. I like this article. I feel like Trump’s backpedaling has just begun. His border wall will vanish. His bombastic personality will suddenly become tame. His tearing up of treaties will stop with his first presidential briefing on NAFTA.

    That being said, I think you did a good job pointing out the insane hypocrisy of Christian evangelicals. They’ve voted for someone who goes against every single one of their values so that he’ll instate the theocratic state they’ve been craving ever since the 1950’s.

  2. On the subject of a Muslim ban – you being someone who studies religion and I’m assuming has a religious studies degree – what are your thoughts on Islam as an idealogy /theocracy. have you read on what has happened in Germany Sweden France ? Do you believe that 17 year old girls afraid to go out in public in tee shirts because Muslim refugees have berated and called them sluts whores and proceeded to grope and on many occasions rape them is something that should be overlooked and shut off by the media for the sake of fear to propagate islamophobia ok? From the 6th to this century the fundamental basis of their belief is still the same and I just wanted to ask out of curiousity and get your stance of this situation — i do not have a degree in religious studies I am actually not even formally educated – but the blantant facts that we as a society choose to overlook because we want to be accepting and tolerating and peaceful is super scary to me – I mean isn’t the sovereignty and safety of America important anymore or is the acceptance of everyone more important ? I truly ask in respect. I do not hate Muslim women I do not wish for them to be prosecuted and not accepted into this country because of their beliefs however if they do want to come to a country that they KNOW full well does not support their ideologies and are not inclined to their culture they in turn are the ones that have to integrate within our society and THIS culture – not the other way around . What are ur thoughts and feelings about all of this genuinely – I just want to know what the opposing view is to either streangthen my stance or be a little more pliable to urs thanks

    • America was initially founded by people who immigrated here to be free from persecution for their religious beliefs. So Americans are not somehow immune to persecution themselves (at least not initially). This is why we as a nation, once we wrote the Constitution, had the First Amendment to begin with. The idea being that the State should not be too cozy with a particular religious group. That is, if a major religious group became cozy with the State, it would, at some point, begin persecuting others. In present day America, we still allow people to literally believe whatever they want. We have, as you know, the KKK still around.
      I don’t know how we go about solving the general “what do we do with crazy religions” problem. We have crazy people everywhere. So maybe a majority of religious fanatics practice Islam today. That may be the case. A solution would be to remind the religious that religion is first and foremost a private affair. (There will certainly be push back here.) Anyone who’s followed First Amendment legislation knows how hard it is to draw hard and fast lines. So, I don’t think it’ll be easy (or that we’ll ever solve this dilemma). At which point is a belief deemed too crazy to hold (that is, at which point do we say you can’t think X because it certainly leads to action Y)? I don’t know the answer to that question.
      For now, we obviously can educate people, allow kids to learn from one another, etc. I think being inclusive will help break boundaries. Saying away from gay people all your life due to fear will only encourage hatred of them. Same with anything else. We probably need more inclusion. As this occurs, I hope people begin to see that we are all human after all, trying to lead peaceful lives…

  3. And I completely understand that this wasn’t the angle of your article and I agree with a lot of the irony – I don’t feel trump is the savior nor do I feel like he truly is someone who will back the things he supposedly stands for – I get it — I just wanted to see if you completely put all christains or all trump supporters under the same bigoted umbrella for having genuine and true concerns regarding this particular subject matter – I’m assuming you don’t – I didn’t vote btw – lol I’m not a citizen – however if I had I am sure u already understand I would have been more inclined to vote for him – although reluctantly — and yes I guess part of it is in hopes that I would want to believe that he really understands the threat of the spread of Islam and what it can do to change cultures of entire countries – do I believe it was genuine – eh I don’t think so – – but for someone who like I said is uneducated in foreign policy civics religeon u name it but has been paying attention to what has been going on on a global scale it definately is something that needs a voice – not that im it either lol but just the discussions we now are afraid to get into in fear of being labeled bigots and so on and so forth is scary

  4. And as a response to the fact that yes I agree religion and state should always be separate but Islam isn’t necessarily in agreement with that – the people are allahs the military is their gods and so on and so forth how do we expect that this form of belief can safely integrate with our society

  5. And I agree about the gay community and the way Christian’s condemn them is wrong I agree — but I guess the discussion of Islam being put in the same category of we need to be inclusive is foreign to me – -do I beleieve you genuinely – come from a genuinely – good place of acceptance peace and love .. yes ! Do I admire your heart for people – absolutely ! But In my opinionthese two subjects r really quite unrelateable- in my opinion lol

  6. And it might be bigotry or hipocracy or whatever – but genuinely the safety of American lives should be at the forefront of issues – not gay rights – there will be gay people for as long as we live we need to stop focusing on that for right now and focus on the overall safety of the American people as a whole and the sad thing about the media is it’s making it about gays blacks and Islamaphobia without really having an open discussion because before someone opens their mouth that has an opposing view they are automatically uneducated hipocristical bigots and it’s just really ironic that if you preach inclusivity and I don’t mean u specifically and preach love and toloreance u need to really be able to listen to someone else a view without labeling and demeaning ! America should be a marketplace of ideas and opposing views and to solidify your own beliefs people need to be able to calmly listen to opposing views without being disgusting – anyhow – thank you for your platform and what you are doing and pointing out the hipocracy of the Christian community I believe we need to hear all this but at the same time — I wish your next article focuses on inclusivity of all views and why each demographic has valid fears thoughts and points lol

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